Habit 5 Seek FIRST to Understand, Then to Be Understood
Habit 5 Seek FIRST to Understand, Then to Be Understood You have TWO Ears And one Mouth Hel-lo! Before I can walk in anothers shoes, I must
first remove my own. What does the above quote mean? Read p. 164 You cant trust people who give you solutions before they understand what your needs are. Do you know that we often do the same thing when we communicate? Read p. 164
Listen, or thy tongue will make thee deaf. An American Indian Proverb Its our tendency to want to swoop out of the sky like Superman and solve everyones problems before we even understand what the problem really is. We simply dont listen. The key to communication and having power and
influence with people can be summed up in one sentence: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. In other words Listen first, talk second. If you can learn this simple habit-to see things from anothers point of view before sharing your own- a whole new world of
understanding will be opened up to you. Why is habit 5 the key to communication? The deepest need of the human heart is to be understood. Everyone wants to be respected and valued for who they are. People wont expose their soft middles unless they feel genuine love and understanding.
Once they feel it, they will tell you more than you may want to hear. Story page 165 People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care. Think of a situation when someone didnt take the time to understand or listen to you. Were you open to what they had to say?
Share your stories: Start Patch Adams: Watch and record the good and bad communication you witness. You can show you care by simply taking time to listen without judging and without giving advice. Why not give advice?
Please Listen When I ask you to listen to me And you start giving me advice, You have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me And you begin to tell me why I shouldnt feel that way, You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me And you feel you have to do something To solve my problem, You have failed me, Strange as that may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Dont talk or dojust hear me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP8RB7UZHKI
5 Poor Listening Styles To understand someone you must listen to them. The problem is that most of us dont know HOW to listen. Its typical to use the five poor listening styles: When people talk we seldom listen because were usually too busy preparing a response, judging, or
filtering their words through our own paradigms. Spacing out Pretend listening Selective listening Word listening Self-Centered listening Spacing Out You ignore someone who is talking because
your mind is wandering off into another galaxy.or to the pretty girl seated in front of you, or the cute guy you just saw in the hall or Pretend Listening You pretend to be listening by making insightful comments at key junctures, such as yeah, uh-huh, cool, sounds great.
The speaker usually gets the hint and will feel unimportant enough to be heard. Selective listening You pay attention only to the part of the conversation that interest you. Word Listening This occurs when we actually pay attention to
what someone is saying, but we listen only to the words, not to the body language, the feelings, or the true meaning behind the words. Self-centered listening When we see everything from our own point of view. Instead of standing in anothers shoes, we want them to stand in ours.
Oh, I know exactly how you feel. Do you really???? When we listen from our point of view, we usually reply in one of three ways, all of which make the other person close up. We JUDGE, we ADVISE, and we PROBE Judging: If you are busy judging, you are not really listening. Example page 169
Advising: Give advise drawn from your own experience. Example page 170 Probing: Occurs when you try to dig up emotions before people are ready to share them. Example: page 170 GENUINE LISTENING To be a genuine listener you will need to do three things differently.
First, listen with your eyes, heart, and ears. Only 7% of communication is contained in words. The rest comes from body language (53%) and how we say words, or the tone and feeling reflected in our voice (40%). Try this: I didnt say you had an attitude problem. I didnt say you had and attitude problem.
I didnt say you had an attitude problem. To hear what others are saying, you must listen to what they are not saying Read page 171-172 Genuine Listening Second, stand in their shoes: To become a genuine listener, you need to take off your shoes
and stand in anothers. In other words, Until you walk a mile in another mans moccasins you cant imagine the smell. Robert Byrne You must try to see the world as they see it and try to feel as they feel. Read page 172-173 Genuine Listening
Third, practice mirroring: Think like a mirror. A mirror doesnt judge. It doesnt give advice. It only reflects. Mirroring is simply repeating back in your won words what the other person is saying and feeling. Mimicking is when you repeat exactly what the other person is saying, like a parrot: page 173 and 174
Disclaimer If you practice mirroring but dont really desire to understand others, they will see through it and feel manipulated. Mirroring is a skill, the tip of the iceberg. Your attitude or desire to really understand another is the lurking mass of ice underneath the surface.
Mirroring Phrases As I get it, you felt that.. So, as I see it I can see that youre feeling So, what youre saying is. *Note: There is a time and place for genuine listening. Youll want to do it when youre talking about an important or sensitive issue.
Genuine Listening in Action The sister who needs a listening ear from her big brother: page 175 and 176 Communication with Parents No matter how distant your parents may seem at times, life will go so much better if you can communicate.
If you want to improve your relationship with Mom or Dad (and shock the heck out of them in the process), try listening to them, just like you would a friend. Have you stopped to consider that you perhaps you dont understand them? P.177 If you take the time to understand & listen to your parents, two incredible things will happen.
First: Youll gain a greater respect for them. Second: If you take time to understand and listen to your parents, youll get your way much more often. How so? If they feel that you understand them, theyll be much more willing to listen to you, theyll be more flexible, and theyll trust you more. Example p177
Start asking your parents questions How was your day today? Tell me what you like and dont like about your job. Is there anything I could do to help around the house today? What would you like me to do for you today? If you could have anything 3 wishes, what would you wish?
Make small deposits into their RBA Figure out what they consider a deposit by jumping into their shoes. Think about it from their point of view, not yours. A deposit to them might mean doing the dishes or garbage without being asked, or keeping a commitment to be home on time.
Then Seek to Be Understood The second half of Habit 5 is as important as the first half but requires something different of us. Seeking first to understand requires consideration, but seeking to be understood requires courage. Unexpressed feelings
Never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. If you dont share your feelings they will eat your heart out. In the following story, notice how Kelli practiced both halves of the habit: p.178 Giving feedback
Is an important part of seeking to understood. If done in the right way it can be a deposit in the RBA Should you give feedback. When someones fly is open? When a close friend has bad breath? Your date has a piece of food caught in his/ her teeth?
If your RBA is high with someone, you can give feedback openly without hesitation. Example: p179 Before giving feedback.. First: ask yourself Will this feedback really help this person or am I doing it just to suit myself and fix them? If your motive for the feedback isnt with their
best interest at heart, then its probably not the time or place to do it. Second: send I messages instead of you messages. Give feedback in first person. Examples: Im concerned that you have a temper problem or I think you have been acting selfish lately.
Instead of: You have a terrible temper or You are so self-centered. Remember. You have two ears and one mouth. Use them accordingly. COMING ATTRACTIONS Next up, find out how 1 plus 1
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