The Search For an Eternal Companion Video - How To Talk to Girls The story of Isaac and Rebekah, in Genesis 24, is a good illustration of the process of choosing a companion. Abraham understood that covenant marriage was the key to receiving the fullness of Gods blessings. He knew that it was essential that Isaac marry in the
covenant. Perhaps this was impressed upon his mind even more when his sweet heart, Sarah, died, because shortly thereafter Abraham called his most trusted servant and gave him the responsibility to find a suitable wife for Isaac. If we are faithful and keep our covenants, the Lord will prepare the way for us to find the right person. Dont worry about finding the right person, worry more about being the right person! Let it happen naturally! Dont force revelation!
The servant was determined to keep the covenant he had made with Abraham. He did all he could to prepare himself and to be led by the Spirit (I Nephi 4:6). The Lord expects us to do the same. The servant devised a plan whereby he might know who the right person was. He took it to God in prayer. The Lord expects us to do our homework to determine compatibility and to determine whether or not the person we are considering has the qualities we feel are essential. 1. Essential 2. Important 3. Nice, but not important
We must pay the tuition of effort! In his book, Find the Love of Your Life, Neil Clark Warren explained why this is so important: Similarities are like money in the bank, and differences are like debts When two people come from similar backgrounds, they operate from a position of strength They know what to expect from each other because they have been raised by parents who were a lot alike. If these two sets of parents were similar economically, racially, religiously, politically and emotionally, their married children will enjoy incredible strength If you
want to make a marriage work with someone who is very different from you, you had better have a large number of similarities as permanent equity in your account. If you dont your relationship could be bankrupt at a frighteningly early stage. Because every difference you have requires negotiation and adaptation. One of you has to give a lot, or both of you have to give some, and in either case there is need for plenty of change But even if you make the necessary changes, you will still experience the kind of stress that comes whenever significant change is required. It is this stress that can threaten to destroy your relationship.
If there are too many differences, you may not be able to survive the strain involved in adapting to each other. Compatibility in key areas is essential to a happy marriage. Church leaders have counseled us to find a righteous eternal companion. Our choice of a spouse will affect countless future generations. We should consider a variety of factors in choosing a marriage partner. Background, personality, and character are important factors in the mate-selection process. We should marry someone who embraces the goals and
values in the proclamation on the family. 4 Common Mistakes There are four common mistakes made in the mate selection process. First: The Marriage Decision is Made Too Quickly Suppose you were told, upon your arrival to BYU-Idaho, that by the end of the first week of your freshman year, you would have to declare a major, choose a career, and never change your mind? What if you were given clear to the end of your first semester? Could you do it? Would you want to? How many of you have changed
your mind since youve been here? Have you ever spent hours shopping for something, finally decided on what you wanted, bought it, got it home and changed your mind, only to return it to the store again? Would you shop differently if every store had a no-return policy? Many times, if the decision is made too quickly, after only a few weeks, or even months, of knowing someone, it is an indication that the decision is long on fantasy and short on reality. Studies show that the longer we know someone before getting married, the better our chances for marital happiness.
Now, I do believe that two people who are mature, who are living the gospel, and are receptive to the Spirit can receive impressions within a relatively short period of time that someone is right. But it is still important that they allow enough time to get to know each other. Second: The Marriage Decision is made too young. Can you effectively choose a marriage partner if you dont know yourself well? If you dont really know who you are or what your values, goals, strengths and weaknesses are, then how can you expect to really know those things in another? If you
havent discovered who you really are after 20 years (or whatever age you are) how do you expect to really be able to know who you are marrying after several weeks or months? Such knowledge comes with maturity and experience. It comes with study, prayer, and personal revelation. It isnt whether you are 20, 22 or 24 that makes the difference. It is what has happened in those years that makes the difference. Studies show that the older we are when we marry, the greater are our chances for happiness in marriage. Third: The Marriage Decision is made to please someone else.
Suppose someone, such as a parent or a good friend gave you a brand new pair of shoes and said This is the best and most comfortable pair of shoes I have ever owned. Its just 2 sizes too small or too large, your least favorite color, and a style you did not care for, would you wear them anyway? Whereas it might be appropriate and you would feel comfortable asking your parents and friends opinion on shoes, you would still need to find your own size and the color and style of your preference. Fourth: The Marriage Decision is based upon unrealistic expectations:
Suppose you need a car. You know you cant afford a brand new one, but you want to get the best deal possible for the money. You go to every car dealership within a reasonable distance, ask lots of questions, take plenty of test drives, and then make your decision. You feel confident that you have made not only a good decision, but the best decision, possible. As you sign the papers and close the deal, the salesman reminds you about the sticker in the window As is. He asks, You understand, dont you, that there is no warranty on this car? Were not aware of any problems with it, but still you must accept it As is. You say, oh, yes I understand that.
Pick up Lines! (Im only trying to help!) Hey girl --- feel my sweater, know what its made of? boyfriend material Are you a Gadianton Robber? Because you stole my heart Hey girl --- youre so smoking you break the word of wisdom. Hey girl --- even with the Liahona I would get lost in your eyes! Hey, is your name virtue? Because you garnish my thoughts unceasingly!
Excuse me, I noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too! Your young womens medallion really brings out your eyes. Can I borrow your phone? I told my mom I would call her when I found the girl of my dreams. I just got back from my mission and Im looking for my next companion!
I may need a map because Im lost in your eyes. I think its about time we moved out of our singles ward If you know what I mean. I knew coming to BYUI I would have spiritual experiences, but I never thought I would see an angel. On a scale of one to eternal where do you see our relationship? Hey girl --- my Liahona points to you! When I count my blessings I make sure to count you twice. I want to be like the spirit, to be with thee withersoever thou goest. Hey girl, would you like to be anxiously engaged to
my good cause? You are a marvelous work and wonder! Are you sunshine? Because you are in my soul today! I was just working on my family history. Is it too early to list you as my spouse? Are you the iron rod? Because I would love to hold onto you for the rest of my life. Hey girl --- can you bring your feelings for me to the church this Tuesday night at seven? Because Im pretty sure its mutual. Dearest darling after much deliberation and significant
consideration I have half the inclination to make you my relation. So if youll meet me at the station, with the Bishops cooperation, we will form a combination that will increase the population! A few more: Are your legs tired? Because youve been running through my mind all night. Have you spoken to your mother lately? Please thank her --- for me! Are you from Nashville?
Because youre the only 10 I see. Personal Stories about people who applied these principles into their relationships To Brother Pyper: From a student: Date: October 1st, 2013 Brother Pyper, Just a warning: this is long. But I hope it brings you joy to know how much you helped me. I took your prep for marriage classes during the fall of 2012. Anyway, I was taking your class, because my boyfriend-of-three-years
and I were planning on getting married during the summer of this year. He was going to LDS Business College in Salt Lake, and also took a marriage prep course during that semester. I remember you telling us how we should feel about our decision to marry someone, or how we shouldnt feel any emotion that would be catalyzed by lust. I prayed continually about it, that I would know whether it was the right thing to marry this kid I loved so much. Its not like I had a dark sensation weighing on my spirit, but I kept asking because I didnt have that peace you had always talked about in class. But it was ridiculous to me at the time! I knew the unspoken rule of engagement and marriage: Before you get married, theres no such thing as soul-mates. Any two righteous individuals that keep their covenants can have happiness. But after Im married Ill be
darned if my husband isnt my soul-mate. This kid was righteous, and Im sure we could make it work! I took into account everything we talked about in class, and tried to approach the reading assignments prayerfully. There were a lot of good things about my relationship with this guy: he was a worthy priesthood holder, and very intelligent; he would doubtlessly provide for me and my children; he had never had any king of addiction to pornography or drugs; he was active in the church, and served a worthy, full-time mission, and we had similar interest! What could possibly be wrong about that? After reading Proverbs 3:5-6 for the fiftieth time one night, I decided to call him and tell him how I had been feeling. He disagreed. He had felt strongly that it was the right thing, and had studied it out at the temple. I didnt know what to say! He tried to tell me that what
I was feeling was fear, and that it would subside when I had made the right decision. After two months of on-and-off talking, uncertainty, and heartbreak, we cut off our relationship completely on Nov. 23rd of last year. It was devastating to us both, but I learned later that he started dating an acquaintance of mine about a month after we broke up, and it kind of hurt. At the same time, however, I knew-though painfully-that I had made the right decision. I dont know how, but I just did. Obviously I had my moments of doubt, and it was so hard not to call him to apologize, but, I felt I needed to fully trust the Lord before any sort of witness would come. During the holiday months, I hung out with the widowed mother of an assistant from the mission I lived in for a year. He had sent me home in July of 2012 with some things to give her, and asked me to keep an eye on
her until he got home. We had gone to high school together (awkward), so I lived close by. I agreed to it, and became good friends with her. He got home in February, and I told his mom I would help with the homecoming. During his homecoming talk, I sat close to the boy I had been interested in, and whom I had brought with me, but the further this Elder got into his talk, the further I sat from my romantic interest! I felt the Spirit so strongly, and it hit me that there may be more to this whole coincidence of meeting him-after high school-again, halfway around the world in former Yugoslavia. I could relate to all the experiences he shared in his talk and testimony, and my heart was so full of love for the people both he and I had a served. After the meeting, I ran up to help with food, gave him an awkward handshake, and then had to head back home to Rexburg for school the next
day. I felt so peaceful. Almost like there was some light at the end of the tunnel I had been stuck in. At the prodding of his mother, he asked me out the next week, and I was so impressed with his spirituality and character! We kept going out when we had the chance, andthis is the real miracle-I applied for BYU for the fourth time, and finally got in! Thats where hes going to school. Nothing is a coincidence. At time, I struggled with being attracted to him, and it would throw off my direction, but over time, Ive developed a deep love that has spilled over into physical attraction for him. I know this may sound awful, but I prayed for it everyday. I knew that all other things about him were exactly what I needed in my eternal life, and that his physicality shouldnt alter my decision. I felt like I didnt even need to pray about knowing whether or not I should marry him-because if felt so easy and peaceful every time I was with him. A couple of weeks ago, the witness of my faith came-after the trial. We got
engaged at the end of September, and will be married in the Draper Temple on November 26th-almost exactly a year from when I broke up with the guy whom I thought was the love of my life. The further I get from that situation, the easier it is to understand why it wasnt right. Its so clear now why we werent right for each other! We had different goals and aspirations! We had similar interests, but he didnt really make me laugh, nor I him. I think thats crucial. My fianc and I have such a beautiful, interdependent, neverjealous, always-giving relationship, and I seriously wouldnt have it any other way. I also have found comfort in comparing our patriarchal blessings, which use-at times-almost identical words, phrasing, and talk about similar topics in the same light. He is far my superior, but no one has told him that yet.
Anyway. This is so long, but Ive thought about your class all year, and what it has taught me. It was the catalyst for my current happiness, and I thank you for teaching so bluntly, but with the Spirit. I love your class, and I will (literally) be forever grateful that I took it. Thanks a million! Another Letter: My name is Amy, I took your marriage prep class last semester, spring 2015. I know you get these emails all the time, but I just kind of wanted to add my story to the collection, and to thank you for the difference that was made in my life as I studied the principles of your class. I had just gotten back from my mission last September, and a few months later I started dating someone from
my singles ward back home. He was a great person in many ways, but he had chosen not to serve a mission. I dont know why I pursued a relationship with him; I guess I was trying to be compassionate. It became pretty obvious soon in our relationship that his standards were pretty different from mine. Actually, we were different in a lot of ways. Too many, I think. Long story short, the standards became a serious issue during the four months that we dated. I felt like he was always testing boundaries (in physical ways, and in aspects of the gospel), sometimes I caved, and eventually we had a huge wreck of a relationship. He was still pretty happy and wanted to marry me. For quite a while I thought I could marry him too, if we could just fix some things. Then I came to school. It only took about a week or two here, being closer to the Spirit, I think, to realize that our problems were bigger than Id originally thought. The thought that we should break up was on the back of my mind a lot. With some encouragement, I decided I should start to pray to know if I
should marry him. I dont know why, but I had a lot of doubts that I could actually get a specific answer. I remember certain lessons from your class that helped a lot, though. Especially the ones in the first few weeks that talked about mate selection, what to look for in a spouse, etc. After about two weeks I finally felt a very specific answer. I prayed to know if Id be able to reach all of my goals in life, especially the spiritual ones, if I married him and the answer was a distinct no. I was sad, it was hard, but I broke it off with him. The most comfort I received, I think, was the rest of the marriage prep lessons. Every time I went to class I got the feeling that I had done the right thing. I started to reset my standards for what I wanted in my future husband. Soon after that, I came into contact with someone Ive known for almost 20 years and used to be really good friends with. Wed kind of lost contact after high school. We started dating and
actually just got engaged three weeks ago. Its been a crazy year as far as dating goes, but I know Ive grown a lot from all of my experiences. I feel closer to God and more able to be a contributing partner in my current relationship. Ive learned that even though God doesnt want you to make mistakes, sometimes He lets you because of your free agency, first of all, and second because of all you can learn from them. I know He didnt want me to get hurt the way I did, but I think everything I learned from it has helped me prepare for my upcoming marriage. Kind of a silver lining, if you will. It was definitely an inspired choice of mine to take your class when I did. It helped me remove some dark things from my life and replant many more good things. My fiance and I actually read your power points sometimes for date night. Thank you for everything! Amy Elder Bruce R. McConkie said:
The most important things that any member of the Church ever does in this world are: 1. To marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority. 2. To keep [their] covenants (Mormon Doctrine,118) As we prepare ourselves and devise our own plans, Elder Bruce R. McConkie counseled that we use both agency and prayer. It is not, never has been, and never will be the design and
purpose of the Lord-however much we seek him in prayer-to answer all our problems and concerns without struggle and effort on our part Hence, we are to solve our own problems and then to counsel with the Lord in prayer and receive a spiritual confirmation that our decisions are correct (Ensign, Jan. 1976, 11). Specifically in the choice of a companion, President Spencer W. Kimball said that: the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one
must not be wrong (BYU Devotional Before he had even finished his prayer, Rebekah came out. The Joseph Smith Translation of this verse says that Rebekah was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! It never hurts to find someone who is GOOD LOOKING! HOW IMPORTANT IS OR SHOULD PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS BE? IS THERE DANGER IN PLACING TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE ON PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS? One danger is that we often attach other characteristics to those we consider to be physically attractive. We may assume that they also have great personalities, are ambitious,
spiritual, smart, talented and great marriage prospects. In reality, none of these things may be true. THIS IS KNOWN AS THE HALO EFFECT. The halo effect can also work in reverse. We may assume that since a person is not a knockout, he/she probably does not have a great personality, is not very smart, not very ambitious, etc. In reality, the opposite may be true. Physical attractiveness is important, but becomes a problem if it clouds our vision of the qualities essential for celestial marriage. But, the servant didnt just notice Rebekahs beauty. He noticed OTHER QUALITIES, too. He asked Rebekah if he could take a drink from her pitcher to which she readily agreed (Rebekah was charitable!).
She also provided water for all of his camels, which required her to refill her pitcher several times (Rebekah was a hard worker). The servant was impressed and wondered if this might be the woman he was sent to find. He still was not sure. The servant was invited back to the house. A feast was provided, but the servant refused to eat until he had explained why he had come. He told them of his errand and the covenant he had made with Abraham. AS YOU THINK ABOUT THE QUALITIES OF THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE DATED, PARTICULARLY IN COLLEGE, ON WHICH LIST DO THEY FALL?
IF YOU DONT KNOW WHICH LIST BEST DESCRIBES HIM OR HER, WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? ARE YOU DATING THOSE WHO HAVE THE QUALITIES YOU SAY ARE ESSENTIAL TO YOU? HOW MANY OF THE ESSENTIAL QUALITITES ON YOUR LIST DO YOU HAVE OR ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO DEVELOP? We cant expect to marry someone who has all these qualities, if we are not trying to develop them in ourselves! To find the right one, you must be the right one. President Kimball stressed the importance of marrying someone whose background is as similar to ours as possible. Having found someone who had the qualities that would be essential in a wife, Abrahams servant was
ready to travel home the next morning. Rebekahs mother and brother, however, wanted her to stay for at least ten days so they could say goodbye. Rebekah received A BLESSING before she left home and was told that she would be the mother of thousands of millions. This meant that, if she remained faithful she would have the blessing of eternal increase through the Abrahamic covenant. I suspect that one reason Isaac was comforted after his mothers death was because he knew he had been obedient to the one thing she wanted most, that her son marry in the covenant. Sometimes, dating and marriage partners are not
carefully chosen in terms of personal fit but rather selected on the basis of what we think parents, friends, roommates, or others would be pleased with. It is appropriate, and I think expected by our Father in Heaven, that we will seek counsel from those who know us best before making important decisions. And, if the shoe fits, wear it. But, if it doesnt you will most assuredly experience cramped toes and blistered heels. Only you can ultimately determine the goodness of fit. Be careful not to choose a partner to please others. Youre not overly concerned because youve done your homework and made a careful decision. The car looks
good and you gave it a good test drive. Youre confident you made a good deal. You dont anticipate any problems, certainly not any serious ones. Is that realistic? When we make the marriage decision, we should study it out and make the best decision we know how. We must be willing to accept the person AS IS, and that every marriage will have things that will need to be worked on. D&C 49:15-17 Marriage between men and women is ordained of God. President Spencer W. Kimball taught:
In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give one a maximum chance of marital happiness
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