TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE - Employee Web Site

TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE - Employee Web Site

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1. No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize cats. 2. When your mom is mad at your dad, dont let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, dont hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You cant trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9. Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10.The best place to be when youre sad is Grandpas lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. Wrinkles dont hurt. 3. Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Todays mightily oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. Its like jogging on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your down there. 4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5. Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6. Time may be a great healer, but its a lousy beautician. 7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF

LIFE 1.You believe in Santa Claus. 2.You dont believe in Santa Claus. 3.You are Santa Claus. 4.You look like Santa Claus. TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE By David Popenoe --- Discovery Channel Copyright 2002 by David Popenoe, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J.

David Popenoe is professor of sociology at Rutgers University, where he is also co-director of the National Marriage Project and former social and behavioral sciences dean. The most recent U.S. Census figures confirm what most everyone already knowsdivorce rates, indeed, are on the rise. With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, many couples are starting to re-evaluate their relationships. But before you start any heady analysis, its important to know the facts from the myths when it comes to marriage:

Myth #1: Marriage benefits men much more than women. Fact: Contrary to earlier and widely publicized reports, recent research finds men and women to benefit about equally from marriage, although in different ways. Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married. Husbands typically gain greater health benefits, while wives gain greater financial advantages.

Myth #2: Having children typically brings a married couple closer together and increases marital happiness. Fact: Many studies have shown that the arrival of the first baby commonly has the effect of pushing the mother and father farther apart, and bringing stress to the marriage. However, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.

Myth #3: The keys to long-term marital success are good luck and romantic love. Fact: Rather than luck and love, the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication and commitment (to each other and to the institution of marriage). The happiest couples are friends who share lives and are compatible in interests and values. Myth #4:

The more educated a woman becomes, the lower her chances of getting married. Fact: A recent study based on marriage rates in the mid-1990s concluded that todays women college graduates are more likely to marry than their non-college peers, despite their older age at first marriage. This is a change from the past, when women with more education were less likely to marry. Myth #5: Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able to test how well suited they are for each other,

have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not. Fact: Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerable higher chance of eventually breaking up. One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. But in addition the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest there may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills. One important exception: Cohabiting couples who are already planning to marry each other in the near future

have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who dont live together before marriage. Myth #6: People cant be expected to stay in a marriage for a lifetime as they did in the past because we live so much longer today. Fact: Unless our comparison goes back a hundred years, there is no basis for this belief. The enormous increase in longevity is due mainly to a steep reduction in infant mortality. And while adults today can expect to live a little longer than their grandparents, they also marry at a later age.

The life span of a typical, divorce-free marriage, therefore, has not changed much in the past 50 years. Also, many couples call it quits long before they get to a significant anniversary Half of all divorces take place by the seventh year of a marriage. Myth #7: Marrying puts a woman at greater risk of domestic violence than if she remains single. Fact: Contrary to the proposition that for men a marriage license is a hitting license, a large body of research shows that being unmarriedand especially living with a man outside of marriageis associated with a considerably higher risk of domestic violence for women.

One reason for this finding is that married women may significantly underreport domestic violence. Further, women are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce a man who is violent. Yet it is probably also the case that married men are less likely to commit domestic violence because they are more invested in their wives well-being, and more integrated into the extended family and community. These social forces seem to help check mens violent behavior. Myth #8: Married people have less satisfying sex lives, and less sex than single people. Fact:

According to a large-scale national study, married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts. Not only do they have sex more often but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally. Myth #9: Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without the piece of paper. Fact: Cohabitation typically does not bring the benefits in physical health, wealth and emotional well-being that marriage does. In terms of these benefits,

cohabitants in the United States more closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due, in part, to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well-being of their partner. Myth #10: weeds stay people out, no Because of the high divorce rate, which out the unhappy marriages, people who

married have happier marriages than did in the past when everyone stuck it matter how bad the marriage. Fact: According to what people have reported in several large national surveys, the general level of happiness in marriages has not increased and probably has declined slightly. Some studies have found in recent marriages, compared to those of 20 or 30 years ago, significantly more work-related stress, more marital conflict and less marital interaction. At Home with the

Hinckley's Interview was conducted by Marvin K. Gardner and Don L. Searle. (At Home with the Hinckleys, Liahona, Oct 2003, 32) When Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley stands at a pulpit to address crowds of Latter-day Saints, she immediately makes us feel at home. With her charming wit and genuine love, she gently draws us into her family circle. Thenas if she were our own mother or grandmother she says she is proud of us. And she encourages us by saying that with the Lords help, we can overcome lifes difficulties and find joy. When her husband, President Gordon B. Hinckley, speaks at the pulpit, he often shifts into the role of a

loving father and grandfather, teaching us how we can be better children, parents, husbands, wives, and family members. Wherever they go throughout the Church, President and Sister Hinckley seem to find familyin addition to their 5 children, 25 grandchildren, and 35 great-grandchildren. Teaching the lifestyle they have exemplified during more than 90 years of life and 66 years of marriage, the Hinckleys are remarkably qualified to give advice on the most important roles we will ever fill. They recently visited with editors from the Church magazines about ways to strengthen marriage and family.

He Gave Me Space and Let Me Fly Church magazines: Why has your marriage been so happy for so long? President Hinckley: The basis of a good marriage is mutual respectrespect for one another, a concern for the comfort and well-being of one another. That is the key. If a husband would think less of himself and more of his wife, wed have happier homes throughout the Church and throughout the world. Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly. How has

he done that? Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesnt try to rule or dominate me. Church magazines: President, you have said: Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works. How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley? President Hinckley: Ive tried to recognize my wifes individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her

ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does. Church magazines: What are some of the things she does that make you marvel? President Hinckley: Oh my, many things Sister Hinckley (smiling): This will be hard for him. President Hinckley: She has run the house all these years. When our children were growing up, I was away much of the time on Church assignments. In the early days, when I had responsibility for the work in Asia, which I had for a long time, I would be gone for as long as two months

at a time. We couldnt telephone back and forth all the time in those days. She took care of everything. She ran the home. She ran everything and took care of the children. We had a garden in our backyard. When I came home from one of my long assignments, I found that it had all been planted to lawn. She and the children had spaded up that backyard, sown lawn seed, and there was a beautiful lawn! The garden didnt suffer, because we could plant another garden to the south of us. But that whole backyard became a beautiful patch of lawn. Thats typical of the way she did things. She was independent and had a great eye for beauty. I Prefer to Laugh Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said: The

only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh, crying gives me a headache. Sister Hinckley: If we cant laugh at life, we are in big trouble. Church magazines: Can you think of a time when laughter was the best medicine for you? Sister Hinckley: I think that could be most anytime. One day when our children were young, I made a casserole. And I really did a good job. When I took it out of the oven, our son Dick said, How come you baked the garbage? Church magazines: How old was he at that time? Sister Hinckley: Fourteenold enough to know better! Everybody Enjoys Everybody Else

Church magazines: What do the two of you do to keep your family close? President Hinckley: Oh, weve done lots of things through our livesmany, many things. In the summertime, from the time our children were very small, weve tried to go someplace, see something. We extended that up into the later years of our childrens lives, after they were married. My wife once said that one of her great ambitions was to walk down the streets of Hong Kong with her children. So we all went to Asia on one occasion. Then she said shed like to walk down the streets of Jerusalem with her children. So we arranged our family finances and all went to Jerusalem. Weve had good times. I want to say this for her: our children enjoy one

another. We still get together. We have a family home evening of our extended family once a monthwith all of our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren who are in town and available. That is simply an extension of what we did when the children were small. We had family home evening. When I was away, she would go forward with family home evening and other important things. She just kept things moving. Church magazines: Describe a home evening with your extended family. President Hinckley: We eat together and we talk together. We just have a delightful time together and discuss one or two things. Everybody enjoys everybody else. That is a

wonderful thing, really, in this day and time. Church magazines: You have mentioned having family home evenings as a young boy in the home of your father and mother. President Hinckley: Right, going back to 1915, when President Joseph F. Smith announced the program. My father said, Well have family home evenings. We tried it, and it wasnt very successful at first. But it got better, and weve always had family home eveningsin my fathers home

and in my home, and the children have it in their homes. You Do the Very Best You Can Church magazines: What would you say to parents who have heeded the counsel to have family home evening and are living their covenants to the best of their abilityand yet they have a son or daughter who has gone astray? President Hinckley: Well, you do the very best you can. And when you have done that, you just place the matter in the hands of the Lord. Go forward with faith. Sister Hinckley: Never give up. You never give up on them. President Hinckley: Nobody is lost until somebody has

given up. You stay with it. Now, fortunately, we have never had that experience in our home, Im grateful to say. Our family has turned out amazingly well in my judgment. And I give all of the credit to this little lady. Sister Hinckley: Thank you. Church magazines: What counsel would you give to children who are living in a home where family home evening isnt heldand yet they want it desperately? President Hinckley: Children can do a great deal. It is unfortunate that we have those situations, but they are real. Children can do the best they can do. They can sometimes influence their parents. Many a home has been brought to a better standard of

living because children prayed for it and asked their parents for it. Some children in unfortunate circumstances can have uplifting experiences in the homes of their friends in the Church. But it is just sad when children cant have the blessings and benefit of a home in which there is a desire to live the gospel and follow the program of the Church. Church magazines: You have said that your father never laid a hand on any of his children when disciplining them. President Hinckley: Thats right. I dont believe that children need to be beaten, or anything of that kind. Children can be disciplined with love. They can be counseledif parents would take the time to sit down

quietly and talk with them. Tell them the consequences of misbehaving, of not doing things in the right way. The children would be better off, and I think everyone would be happier. My father never touched us. He had a wisdom all his own of quietly talking with us. He turned us around when we were moving in the wrong direction, without beating us or taking a strap to us or any of that kind of business. Ive never been a believer in the physical punishment of children. I dont think it is necessary. Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that you dont teach a child not to hit by hitting. Sister Hinckley: When my daughter Jane was a young girl, she said to me one day that she had a friend who

was grounded. I said, Grounded? What does that mean? We let our children figure things out for themselves. They knew when they were doing wrong, and they would fix it themselves. One of our daughters decided to stay home from church one Sunday. So she stayed home. She got very lonely. Everybody was in church but her, and she just sat on the lawn. She didnt try that again. She figured it wasnt any fun. It was lonely. It Turned Out Better Than I Expected Church magazines: You have delighted audiences, Sister Hinckley, with your comment that when your husband became President of the Church, you wondered, How did a nice girl like me get into a mess like this?

Could you put that comment into perspective now that you have been married 66 years to this fine man? Sister Hinckley: Well, it turned out better than I expected. It has been a good life. President Hinckley: Weve really had a good life. Really we have. We dont have many regrets in our lives. Weve made mistakes, of course, here and there, but nothing of any serious consequence. I think weve done all right. Church magazines: Do you think young people getting married today face the same kinds of challenges you did, or do they have different challenges? President Hinckley: They face the same challenges, essentially. We were married in the Depression. We didnt have anything when we were married, to speak of. No one else did either. Everyone, it seemed to me,

was poor. Sister Hinckley: We didnt know we were poor. President Hinckley: We started out in a modest way. The Lord has so richly blessed us. I dont know how anyone could have been more richly blessed than we have been. Weve had problems. Weve lived through all the things that parents go throughsickness with their children, things of that kind. But really, when all is said and done, if you can live with a good woman through your life and see your children grow to maturity as happy, able individuals who are making a contribution, then you can count your life a success. It isnt how many cars you own, the size of your house, or things of that kind. It is the quality of life that youve lived that makes a difference. Church magazines: How do you handle differences of opinion?

President Hinckley: Weve just gone along and tried to be decent to one another. As Ive said, mutual respect makes all the difference in the worldhaving respect for one another as individuals and not trying to change your partner after your manner. You let her live her life in her way and encourage her talents and her interests. You will get along better then. If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wifes life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life. Sister Hinckley: I married well, didnt I? President Hinckley (laughing): Weve had a good life. We

still appreciate one another. Top Mate Qualities A national opinion poll conducted by Harris Interactive found that when it comes to picking the most important qualities of the ideal man, faithfulness, kindness and compassion, as well as a good sense of humor were most important to more than half the women polled. Also ranking highly are men who put their families first, take care of the people in their lives and spend time with their families, and least important are driving nice cars, being athletic and taking the time to work out or exercise. The survey found that being clean-shaven ranks highly among women when they look at the most important physical qualities of ideal men, and other important

physical qualities are having a warm smile, smelling good and having nice eyes and nice teeth. While dressing well is also important, least important for women are manicured nails, having full heads of hair and being tall, but men and women differed when ranking the top five qualities of ideal mates. Sixty-nine percent of women said faithfulness is the most important quality, while only 47 percent of men did, and 58 percent of women ranked kindness and compassion as the second most important quality, while only 46 percent of men did.

(October 2004) Menace at age 25- Brigham Young, attrib. President Ernest L. Wilkinson, Commencement Exercises May 31, 1963, BYU Speeches of the Year, 6. Of the men graduating tonight, 62% are married; 38% unmarried. Of the 472 women graduation, 23% are married; 77% single. As to the single men, I need merely to repeat the admonition attributed to Brigham Young, Every man not married and over twenty-five is a menace to the community. I asked Dr. Lyman Tyler yesterday if he would document this for me, but he said he had been trying to document it for years; he had given up, so you

will have to accept it either on faith, or as apocryphal. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way, but never forget to remember the blessings that come each day. The following comes from Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But

Cant Read, Write, Or Add. Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world wont care about your selfesteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You wont be a vice- president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, its not your parents fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents werent as boring as they are now. They got that way by paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule #8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and theyll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesnt bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. Rule #9: Life is not divided into semesters. You dont get summers off and very few employees are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule #10: Television in not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule #11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are youll end up working for one. Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences 2011 Five New Themes: 1. Children are less likely to thrive in cohabiting households, compared to intact, married families. 2. Family instability is generally bad for children. 3. American family life is becoming increasingly unstable for

children. 4. The growing instability of American family life also means that contemporary adults and children are more likely to live in what scholars call complex households. 5. The nations retreat from marriage has hit poor and working communities with particular force. class Our Fundamental Conclusions: 1.The intact, biological, married family remains the gold standard

for family life in the United States. 2.Marriage is an important public good. 3.The benefits of marriage extend to poor, working-class, and minority The Thirty Conclusions: Family: 1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers have good relationships with their children. 2. Children are most likely to enjoy family stability when they are born into a married family. 3. Children are less likely to thrive in complex households. 4. Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage. 5. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the

likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents. 6. Marriage is a virtually universal human institution. 7. Marriage, and a normative commitment to marriage, foster high- quality relationships between adults, as well as between parents and children. 8. Marriage has important biosocial consequences for adults and children. Economics: 9. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers, and cohabitation is less likely to alleviate poverty than is marriage. 10. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabitating couples.

11. Marriage reduces poverty and material hardship for dis-advantaged women and their children. 12. Minorities benefit economically from marriage also. 13. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories. 14. Parental divorce (or failure to marry) appears to increase childrens risk of school failure. 15. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college and achieve high-status jobs. Physical Health and Longevity: 16. Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do children in other family forms. 17. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant

mortality. 18. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of alcohol and substance abuse for both adults and teens. 19. Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles. 20. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and disability for both men and women. 21. Marriage seems to be associated with better health among minorities and the poor. Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being: 22. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness. 23. Cohabitation is associated with higher levels of psychological problems among children.

24. Family breakdown appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide. 25. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers. Crime and Domestic Violence: 26. Boys raised in non-intact families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior. 27. Marriage appears to reduce the risk that adults will be either perpetrators or victims of crime. 28. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than do cohabiting or dating women. 29. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse. 30. There is a growing marriage gap between college-educated Americans and less-educated Americans.

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