PAUL DUNWELLs CREATIVE FLIGHTS of FANCY Presented by Paul Dunwell, freelance copywriter Copyright Paul Dunwell INK 2006 What youre about to see We all have ideas for ads. Sadly, and for one reason or another, many of the best ones never get made. Here are a few of mine. Kept for posterity, although its nice anyway to have them in the bottom drawer, theyre offered simply in order to give viewers an idea of my creative capabilities. In every case there is a full motivation on file. But I wont burden you with that here!

If you like them so much youd like to pinch em, dont even think about it. Theyre all copyright protected and remain my intellectual property! Paul Dunwell CHICKEN NUGGETS There is a song by Will Young called I think Id better leave right now. The more I listen to it the more I think he sings I think Im better deep-fried now. And I imagine a wonderful animated TV ad, perhaps a plastimation by Nick Park, with a chorus-line of chickens doing a karaoke rendition of it to advertise chicken nuggets. THAI BEER

I was approached by friends of a Thai beer manufacturer whose rivalry with a fellow Thai, one who owns a huge slice of Liverpool Football Club, had led him to pour an enormous sum into promoting Chang Beer on Everton FCs shirts. At the time Chang Beer was planning to import 6% proof beer en masse. And Everton still boasted the skills of Wayne Rooney. Unfortunately Chang subsequently came unstuck in both respects. My task was to write a multi-media campaign (they have the cash to make a big splash on TV and hoardings). And these scamps (with Thai sub-titles for the dialogue) were to illustrate the first of what was going to be an increasingly witty saga. The proposition was a simple one, and my idea rather than the clients. Spend on a big campaign that made a virtue of keeping the beer out of sight. Most drinks manufacturers pay a fortune for bar-space i.e. to have their product visible. The next trick was to find a

reason for keeping it out of sight. And that explains the (admittedly chauvinist) ad. Imagine remote pub sitting amidst an otherwise bleak and desolate Yorkshire landscape. Think of the opening to An American Werewolf in London and the arrival of an unknowing outsider in an oddly packed bar "So what will it be, lover?" the outsider looks around the pub before responding

"I'd recommend the Chang. Its a Thai lager. Marvellous stuff. "Well, if it's what you guys all drink ... Ill have a half." ... "I keep it on the bottom shelf. Though why I do that I don't know. Because it's going to ruin my back." ( )

and as the barmaid bends down there is a sudden movement of chairs product pack shot but by now we see the regulars have already resumed their seats as if nothing has happened but the outsider has cottoned on "Sorry. Could you make that a pint?

and as she goes to retrieve another bottle there is a further disturbance of chairs CHANG BEER. Keep it on the bottom shelf. Successive ads would build on this. No. 2:

The STRANGER is no longer a stranger. Now he arrives at the bar with a list of drinks for all his new pals. With a pen he checks each drink off as she gets it. Of course, he asks for one CHANG beer at a time for friends by name, feigning stupidity as it were, patiently ticking off each. The idea is that he repeatedly gets the girl to bend down. No 3. The STRANGER is at the bar and asks for another brand of drink. There is obviously consternation amongst the locals. And then he admits hes only joking, asking for CHANG as usual (cue chairs moving etc.) No. 4: The STRANGER asks for CHANG. Waits for the BARMAID to stand after getting it. Then says hes changed his mind. Just to get her to bend over again. Then, as she straightens up having put the drink back on the bottom shelf, he rethinks and apologises tongue-incheek for his vagueness. Only CHANG will do. Cue frantic scraping of chairs. No.5: The STRANGER has an empty CHANG bottle. He engages the BARMAID saying that hes noticed how she keeps CHANG on the bottom shelf. Passing her the bottle, he then suggests that might be a good place to keep the CHANG empties too. Cue massive

scraping of chairs. No. 6: This time the BARMAID comments on all the sheep-dogs being brought into the inn. Closer examination reveals that the owners have all got dog-bowls, and that they are using their animals to help drink the massive quantities of CHANG they need to keep the BARMAID bending over. No. 7: Now they want to bring a flock of sheep in. We see where this is going. Maybe, at this point, we can be surreal. There will be no mention at all of CHANG; we know the scene, and we know for certain which beer this pub is selling. Alternatively a group of sheep exit the pub just after the bell for time is sounded. They are hiccoughing. TIME WILL TELL For several years I was a Swiss resident. This

was an obvious campaign which seems to have eluded the Swiss. But it took the British to invent downhill skiing there and to build the Cresta Run for them. So perhaps this is par for the course! Built around the proposition that Swiss watches are peerless, the ads would feature a pack shot and a digitally-enhanced statue of William Tell or a Swiss 5 franc coin (they bear his image) or a cartoon. Each would show Tell wearing the product. The caption would simply say:

Could there ever be a better Swiss watch? Only time Will Tell. SET PULSES RACING This was the initial ad for a baked beans manufacturer, with the concept being that we could inject some fun into a rather joyless product. I envisaged some hand-drawn posters which all incorporated a cartoon, the product itself, and a tongue-in-cheek set of self-improving instructions. Here the caption is: Want to set pulses racing? Then play Pooh-sticks with beans. Successive ads would involve leg-pulls about attracting mates (Anyone with a pulse) and sitting in baths filled with beans.

SMALL CAR SAFETY My very first copywriting job was to generate the texts for Nissans stands at its international car shows. When interviewed I was asked how I would like to sell their small car safety. Although I thought well on my feet and had an inspired idea there and then, my audience was Japanese and it went over their heads (which, given their diminutive stature, I should have anticipated!) So, on the train home, I wrote this TV ad. The next morning it was there, on their desks, along with Japanese sub-titles (courtesy of JAL). I got the job. But the stand people and the TV ad people were at each others throats so my idea was binned. However, after a chance mention of it to Nissans stand architect, a highly-experienced professional with a poor opinion of Nissans managerial style, he

asked me to fax over my work. A few minutes later he called me to say it was so good he darent keep it and was shredding it. But I would be receiving another call within 15 minutes from the MD of Condor Film, which makes most TV ads in Switzerland and had just won the Hollywood Oscar for Best Foreign Film. And I was being hired. Despite that, and Ive always worked since then, this ad was never used. Yet! SCENE 1 Close-up: Head and shoulders only of a diminutive and apparently inscrutable Japanese business gent (a senior employee) in formal dress. Poker-faced, he addresses the audience throughout in

Japanese. DIALOGUE (Entirely in Japanese): Konnichi Wa ACTION: He bows to 45 SUB-TEST (ENGLISH VERSION): Here at Nissan we like to think that we look after our staff as well as we do our customers. BACKING MUSIC: Oriental Interpretation (on the Koto [Japanese zither]) of Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! (originally by the pop-group Crash-Test Dummies). SCENE 2 Pan to reveal to right of screen and next to Japanese gent, a relatively tall CrashTest Dummy with cartooned features (moustache, etc.) discernibly like Nigel Mansells. He is clearly marked #1 and his overalls bear the distinct Nissan logo. (Clearly, the cost of the advert could be shared with tyre and oil companies if

additional logos were also worn.) DIALOGUE (Entirely in Japanese): ACTION: Japanese gent looks upward and to his left, reverentially, speaking. SUB-TEST (ENGLISH VERSION): But dont just take my word for it. BACKING MUSIC: Continues, softly. SCENE 3 Pan away.

DIALOGUE: None. ACTION: Crash-Test Dummy #1 steps mechanically away, back-stage, toward a Nissan test vehicle (a small car like a Micra) which is surrounded by a team of test-engineers. (A left-hand drive vehicle is visualised, but that is not a vital detail.) One hold the drivers door open, another has him sign something (is it an autograph?), whilst yet another offers the Crash-Test Dummy a

helmet which Nigel politely waves away (suggesting that its an unnecessary precaution in this car). SUB-TEXT (ENGLISH VERSION): None. BACKING MUSIC: Continues, still on Koto, but has swung medleylike into The Dambusters (a rousingly heroic march). SCENE 4 Close-up of Japanese gent,

relaxed and entirely impassive. DIALOGUE: None. ACTION: Vehicle wheel-spins, burning rubber, then test vehicle hurtles (right to left) across screen behind gent, who by now has his fingers firmly placed in his ears, to crash off-screen (left. Hub cap rolls

away. SUB-TEXT (ENGLISH VERSION): None. BACKING: None save vehicle noise. SCENE 5 Still close-up, Japanese gent. DIALOGUE: None.

ACTION: Gent removes fingers from ears. He smiles as the entirely unscathed #1 (Nigel) Crash-Test Dummy strides back to his left side. SUB-TEXT (ENGLISH VERSION): None. BACKING: Sound of car door opening, then mechanical steps

toward centre screen. SCENE 6 Cuts away from #1 Crash-Test Dummy to line of nine others, all numbered, all in perfect condition, all wearing Nissan overalls. The first eight (plus Nigel) all look similarly familiar as drivers - from pool including: Schumacher, both Hills (Damon & Graham), Button, Moss, both Brabhams (Jack and David), Prost, Hunt, Senna, Jacques Villeneuve, Coulthard, Warwick, Irvine,

Hakkinen, Blundell, Herbert etc.) DIALOGUE (Entirely in Japanese): ACTION: None. Dummies simply stand to attention. SUB-TEXT (ENGLISH VERSION): Nissan. Nine out of ten crash-test dummies prefer us. BACKING MUSIC: The cover-version of the Crash-Test Dummies Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! on koto is phased back in. (Each of the 8 Mmms! in the chorus is synchronised with the appearance oncamera of another in the line with the Nissan

logo distinct on their overalls.) SCENE 7 The #10 Crash-Test Dummy has a distinctly Nordic look, and is exceptionally tall (even by Crash-Test Dummy standards). Furthermore, he is wearing a Viking-type crash-helmet (with protruding cow-horns). DIALOGUE: None.

ACTION: None. SUB-TEXT (ENGLISH VERSION): Nissan. BACKING: The final Hum (a discordant twang on the koto) coincides with the revelation that there is always one (i.e. #10) who will be different.

PHARMACEUTICALS This proposal was written for a German pharmaceutical company whilst The Wizard of Oz was undergoing a major revival. Mepha Pharmaceuticals specialise in generic medicines (i.e. those which are out of patent). Some are named within the ad. Its a humorous concept which was intended to appeal to physicians and pharmacists at whom it was specifically directed as per the brief. Moreover it also utilised, as required, an opportunity to associate the Mepha rainbow logo to good effect. Meanwhile it clearly conveyed Mephas USP (their broad palette of sophisticated, efficacious and cheap products). There are a number of subliminal and fairly intellectual jokes which would make repeat viewings of the advert an attractive proposition for the target audience. The ad could have been shot in English since most doctors or chemists speak it, or Latin since they understand it (which would enable universal screening with local subtitles),

but it would work perfectly well in German. It would travel well internationally. Over the Rainbow and Follow the Yellow Brick Road may be out of copyright (The Wizard of Oz was made in 1939, but the songs predate it). The filming would be best done in B & W, like the original. This would enhance the impact of the rainbow logo at the conclusion. Production costs should not be unduly high. 1: Scene: On the Yellow Brick Road

DOROTHY (a Judy Garland look-alike), LION, TIN MAN & SCARECROW dance toward a castle, attended by TOTO (the dog). SOUND FX: Several seconds of Follow the Yellow Brick Road with accompanying manic barking from TOTO. Suddenly the music dies away discordantly, reflecting the fact that DOROTHY et al have stopped dancing. There is a roadside kiosk. It is a chemists, and there is a white-coated CHEMIST with bifocals in attendance. The Mepha name and logo is prominent. We zoom in to catch an ongoing conversation. CHEMIST: (helpfully)

Well, dont think me a kill-joy, but its a long way and fraught with danger. What are you going to see that humbug for, anyway? He has no medical qualifications whatsoever. 2: DOROTHY: The lion needs some courage, the wimp. Pan to wimpy-looking LION. TOTO yaps noisily, on the verge of his nervous breakdown. CHEMIST: (trying to ignore TOTO) Has he ever tried Aktiferrin? The CHEMIST passes the LION his Aktiferrin. The LION examines it timidly, but screws up courage and swallows some.

TOTO yaps noisily and jumps up. TIN MAN: (coldly, trying to ignore TOTO) And I need a heart. 3: CHEMIST: (knowledgeably, selecting an unidentified product) The Ive got just the thing for you. Youll find it makes you altogether more mellow and considerate. The CHEMIST hands medicine to TIN MAN, who opens and tries it then smirks sillily. TOTO yaps.

CHEMIST: (attentively) And what about you, Scarecrow? TOTO yaps noisily and jumps up. SCARECROW: (trying to ignore TOTO, and replying dimly) I need a brain. 4: CHEMIST: (encyclopaedically) The best I can do is Vitiron. It will buck up your concentration no end.

He hands some Vitiron to SCARECROW, who tries it. The SCARECROWs face reflects a change from idiot to attentive. LION: (waggishly) Have you got anything for a dog with a headache? TOTO yaps noisily and jumps up again. CHEMIST: (apologetically) Mepha makes a lot of generic medicines but, sorry, nothing thats recommended for dogs with headaches. 5:

LION: (smiling) Good. We see the upper half of the LION only. It appears that he aims a mighty kick (out of shot) at TOTO. There is a thud. TOTO yelps and is silent. LION: (with new confidence, brandishing bottle) I think this stuffs working already! TIN MAN: (laid back) Yeah, man! SCARECROW:

(eruditely) Indubitably efficacious! 6: The companions about-turn and dance along the road in the direction from which theyd arrived (i.e. away from the castle). TOTO follows silently, at a distance, his tail between his legs. SOUND FX: Several seconds of Over the Rainbow (this time with no accompanying bark from TOTO). SUBTITLES: Mepha medicaments. One rainbow worth chasing.

DOROTHY: (distantly, in schoolgirlish thought) I bet if Id asked theyve even got something for psychotic dreams. Close to superimposed Mepha name and rainbow logo. TRAVEL and TOURISM Going back to my youth, the very first ad I ever created was for the friends of a fellow student who approached me and asked for zany ideas for ads (I had something of a reputation for off-the-wall humour even then) for

their travel start-up. Actually this start-up did very well. Until they went spectacularly bust with holidaymakers stranded from here to Timbuktu. Since then I never again got to write for the travel industry, but I have nevertheless squirreled away the odd idea like this one. Sad, huh? Is there any better place to start a vacation than the Valley of the Kings? God nose.

GREASED LIGHTNING This idea is something that could be used to sell anything from sports shoes (as illustrated) to software. Thor the thunder god is attended by his valkyries, who smear him with Danish butter. I imagine something a

little bit sensual but also silly. Perhaps there could be a product placement tiein here for Lurpac butter! The USP is speed. Goes like greased lightning. YOGHURT In Switzerland yoghurts were originally very successfully marketed in huge 250g cartons by Santis, which forced rivals like Toni to likewise sell in the bigger pots. More recently theyve

been marketed in the UK as monster 1 kg Biopots by Onken. Larger pots obviously shift more product at proportionally less cost, and thus size can be a critical USP for a product which otherwise struggles to differentiate itself from rivals. These ads, envisaged as a TV and print campaign which is demonstrated on the next 3 slides, use wit to engage the audience and focus simply on one USP: big pots. The endline is 'So big that you may as well bathe in it'. And the three ads use famous baths belonging to Cleopatra, Archimedes and Marat to great comic effect. Cleopatra Solution: Cleopatra is seen from behind as she descends amidst trumpet-blasts into a palatial bath. As she does so we note that it is in fact yoghurt, and that one of her slaves is busy emptying pot after pot of the product into it. A supervisor stands over him, whip in hand, and says: "Get a move on. You should be at the amphitheatre

already. Mark Anthony's sea-battle re-enactment starts at three, and it's still only half-full." Voiceover: Biopot. So big that you may as well bathe in it'. Archimedes Solution: Mrs. Archimedes is standing outside the rustic bathroom door in a Greek villa, hammering on it. There are some odd sounds coming from within (we will find out what they are, but a bit of sexual ambiguity here could be funny). She raps on the door.. "Archimedes, pet, what on earth are you doing in there?" The noises abruptly stop. We now see inside. Archimedes stands beside a bath, clearly filled with yoghurt. He's got a crown hanging from the taps (also covered in yoghurt) and he's been cranking yoghurt up his Archimedes screw. He has made a terrible mess and we see him frozen with trepidation at what his wife might say when

she sees. Voiceover: Biopot. So big that you may as well bathe in it'. Marat Solution: We are in Marat's bathroom, in the time of the French Revolution. Through an open window we can hear 'The Marsellaise' punctuated by the occasional sounds of drum-rolls then the swoosh of the guillotine and roar of the crowd as another head hits the basket. Marat is obscured by a shower-curtain, but he is writing in the bath (see original painting; be as authentic as possible). We are suddenly aware, as Marat hums along with 'The Marsellaise', that there is an assassin (Charlotte Corday) with a knife stalking him (a la psycho). As the curtain is about to be whipped back the humming abruptly stops. So the curtain is whipped back by Corday, but the bath is apparently empty. Corday understandably assumes Marat has fled through the window, steps to it and

looks out, then flees saying "Sacre bleu!" under her breath. A moment later Marat emerges from what we now realise is a bath full of yoghurt, smiling broadly, pen and paper still in hand. Voiceover: Biopot. So big that you may as well bathe in it'. Copyright Paul Dunwell INK 2006 CONTACT: Paul Dunwell 80 The Lamports Alton Hampshire GU34 2QU England.

Tel: +44 (0) 1420 86953 Fax: +44 (0) 7901 473 867 Mobiles: (24 hrs): +44 (0) 7710 017 278 +44 (0) 7749 473 052 Email: [email protected]

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